My friend blog queen Kerri Sackville has been advising me on how to get more readers for this blog. Her most recent tip is not to include pictures of old men with catheters sticking out of the leg of their boxer shorts. It takes a true professional to spot an error like that.
Kerri and I did a radio interview last week with British radio station LBC, which I used to listen to at night smothered by the pillow when I was a kid in England, back in the days when headphones were called “earphones” and only had one plug.
LBC was using a studio in Sydney, at which we had to arrive at 5:45am. To my astonishment, Kerri actually got there early. (My surprise was mainly driven by the realisation that there is a time before than 5:45am.) It was all very cold and confusing at that hour of day, and the purpose of the exercise was a bit obscure, since neither my books nor Kerri’s are actually available in the UK.
Still, we had an hour to talk gibberish. The presenter had read and loved Kerri’s book but had never heard of me. I’d been invited onto the show on Kerri’s instigation, as a “funny man”, to pay me back for launching her book, “When My Husband Does the Dishes”. (Her title was originally supposed to be “When My Husband Does the Dishes it Means he Wants Sex”, but that was vetoed by one of the big department stores, apparently worried it might lead to customers blocking the trolley flow by copulating in the crockery aisles.)
The radio announcer seemed fixated with the concept that Kerri’s husband apparently didn’t get as much sex as he wanted. I got a feeling it might have fitted in with an idea he had about females in general.
While we were on air, he took a first glace at my novel, King of the Cross. The page at which he opened it including what he called “eight f---s”. He pointed this out on air, and I said that was more “f—s” than Kerri’s husband had all year, which was very unfair but the closest thing to a joke I was capable of making at that time of the morning.
Kerri found a pair of novelty Christmas reindeer antlers and put them on for all the radio viewers to see. I did the same, and strangely, didn’t feel anymore stupid then I feel most days at 6.30am.
Afterwards, the announcer confided that he didn’t have sex either. “Not with women, anyway.”
Kerri and I had breakfast, and she told me I should keep my blog posts to about 400 words (and I’ve already gone 50 over) but she never mentioned anything about catheters.
Where can I find that interview? I'd invite you both on our show but we aren't allowed to say sex and f---s is would cause a meltdown. You could wear reindeer ears and talk about washing dishes though. You are both very, very funny.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure you can knock the catheter too harshly since so far it is responsible for 100% of your blog-related book sales.
ReplyDeleteShe's right, I had a 'what was he thinking?' thought when I saw the pic in the last post.
ReplyDeleteIf you want more readers, tell Kerri she has to promote you more on her blog, that's how I moseyed on over a while ago.
Perhaps you can post a pic of you wearing the reindeer ears with a come hither look to grab some more readers, get someone famous like Kerri Sackville to tweet it and whallah, followers a plenty!
Or you could just link up the picture on one of the many blog hops available (I'd suggest the Wordless Wednesday series) but PLEASE, make sure you aren't only in your underwear. There's only so many pics of men in their underwear a blog can post before they move into the 'boys for men' section... and you're already one for one.
I hope there is pictorial evidence of said reindeer antlers?
ReplyDeleteOkay, The Mummy Hat and "Allison Tait" (a pseudonym if ever I saw one). I will ask Kerri what a blog hop is. We may have to repose for the picture, though.
ReplyDeleteYeah, Jon, I'm becoming fonder of the catheter. Although I thought it was quite picturesque in the first place.
I'll wear the reindeer antlers and you can wear the catheter.
ReplyDeleteI thought you wanted to keep the conversation off catheters.
ReplyDeleteStrangely I now want to follow you BECAUSE of a man wearing a catheter!
ReplyDeleteI would worry about myself if I didn't already have so many people doing it on my behalf.
Thank you Kerri (I think .....)
The catheter patient looks unexpectedly cheerful for someone who's got 3 feet of plastic and wire up his urethra.
ReplyDeleteConversations at 6.30 am are always very strange, still, Mark,after all I've read of your stuff, it could only happen to you to be invited to an interview by a guy who's never heard of Mark Dapin. Handy he knew one of you at least.
Good Work Mark, a whole post dedicated to you!
ReplyDeleteNow where's my darn picture?
I don't really have an opinion on the antlers or the catheter photo (although if I were you, I'd be mildly concerned that, due to the number of times the word 'catheter' seems to be appearing at the moment, my blog might be heading towards the top of the relevancy list for anyone entering 'catheter' and 'photo' into their search engine. Concerned mostly because anyone who is on such a hunt will probably be disappointed by the relatively low numbers of catheter-related imagery on the site and possibly feel compelled to complain in less-than-friendly terms. Although if they are a catheter-enthusiast with a sense of humour, they may merely enquire as to whether or not you are taking the piss.)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I digress. My real reason for commenting was that this post brought back memories of when I too used to lie in bed at night, listening to LBC under the covers.
I had a crystal radio set that I built from an electronics kit (as children did in those innocent days), and with the wires sellotaped to the radiator next to my bed (I expect that children these days simply download crystal radio apps and sellotape their iPhones to the radiators next to their beds) I would put the single and singular earphone into my ear and wait for the aural delights to arrive.
Sadly, as the crystal set had very limited reception capacity, the only station it could pick up was LBC, so I had to wait until I got my hands on my first trannie to receive those aural delights. (The latter part sentence is a lot less interesting when read, than when read out.)
However, I seem to remember thinking at the time that listening to LBC was pretty much the pinnacle of sophistication, and it took a while for me to discover that it was, actually, mostly crap.
Still, I'm glad to hear that they're still going, and that they can afford trips out to exotic locations such as sunny Sydney, and I hope that your exposure to their audience will lead to King Of The Cross finally being made available in England.
Perhaps, to increase the likelihood of this happening, you should consider remixing the book for English audiences. You could simply change all of the place and street names to make it seem as though the story was set in the 'other' Kings Cross (and replace the English characters with Aussie ones).
Or you could really mess with people's heads by relocating the story to Gerrards Cross, sensationally revealing the seedy past and present of the sleepy Buckinghamshire village. Just a thought.
And now, having remembered that this is your blog and not mine, I shall leave.
Hey Mabee, feel free to fill my blog. It leaves me to get on with other things, such as trying on novelty reindeer antlers. I notice you added substantially to the catheter-count on this page, and can't help thinking this might have been your (bafflingly motivated) goal. For the record, it seems no-one has ever found my blog by searching for "catheter", but yesterday someone got there with "i've been drinking with an 76 old man". Go figure.
ReplyDeleteThe nice thing about writing that post was although I remembered listening to the, uh (gulp) wireless under the pillow, I'd forgotten there was ever such as thing an earphone. And when I remembered, it made me smile.
That's so funny. The only time I recall seeing you smile was when you were wearing reindeer antlers.
ReplyDeleteYeah, that's twice this year.
ReplyDeleteMark, just reporting in to tell you how much I'm enjoying Strange Country. It's so funny!!! and warm and real and good. I love it.
ReplyDeleteAh, bless you.
ReplyDeleteNow, everybody else buy it too.
My partner is a nurse and like you is always taking the piss out of catheters.
ReplyDeleteSadly, as the crystal set had very limited reception capacity, the only station it could pick up was LBC, so I had to wait until I got my hands on my first trannie to receive those aural delights. (The latter part sentence is a lot less interesting when read, than when read out.)
ReplyDeletemabee, that is both funny to read and hysterical to read out. Giggles and chuckles all round.
Hey Mark, you now have one extra blog follower as you have changed the black backdrop to white. Yay! Perhaps even 2 after I tell my husband, who doesn't get enough sex either.
ReplyDeleteI have purchased King of the Cross twice and given them away as gifts. I am yet to read it myself. It'd be nice to own an autographed copy ;)
I could send several photos of myself in underwear. None very attractive but then after seeing the shot of the dude who has just had some abdominal surgery i reckon I'd look hot!
Cheers, MrsMackenzie
hahaha, Mrs Mackenzie! Please. You're putting the pressure on the rest of us.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to sign my own copies of Mr Dapin's books :" I have personally conversed with the author [small print *in a blog*] ....about everything from roundabouts to catheters; which is nearly as holy as a signature"
(Ps--I keep getting the "word security MINDSHO. It is a mind show, isnt it??)
I was here in the early days under a different guise, praising your writing and consequently being rejected a free book,
ReplyDeletehttp://markdapin.blogspot.com/2009/09/what-im-doing.html#comments
so no I've never read your books but I am back after a long absence and liked reading your more recent blog posts and now I am in Mexico and it seems that your books aren't readily available here and I don't have a kindle but anyway I'm happy to be back as your 82nd follower although I was probably one of the first to actually read it in the early days and returned because I was reading the smh wikipedia entry and you are listed first as a contributor to GW, none of this I am sure is of any interest to you, but I had largely forgotten about you and your writings having been out of Australia a god while and now I am a follower of your blog so that is indeed a substantial turnaround. Regards, I'll have a large beer with 27% extra free now
Hey, Good to have you back, pwd. What're you doing in Mexico? I was there for three months once.
ReplyDeletegood to be back. I'm on a long journey through the Americas (Sth America- 1 year, Central America- 6 months) and now just getting started in Mexico, maybe there's a book in it. Looking forward to the writing to come Mark, cheers
ReplyDelete