It is a sad fact that, although my newspaper column reaches the homes of more than one million readers, the only way I can get any hits on my blog is by writing about micro-blogger Kerri Sackville.
Regular readers (of Kerri's blog; I've only got about two readers of my own) may remember Kerri's vicious slur on my heightegrity, ie her assertion that I am "short".
For some reason, the gym I go to (to "stretch" myself) has installed a tape measure, which customers can use to ascertain their actual height, rather than the height ascribed to them by Kerri Sackville.
For the record, I measure exactly 176.2 centimetres in bare feet. Since I don't understand metric, I used my iPhone Convert Units application to discover that makes me 1.862435e-16 light years. Then I changed the setting to feet and inches, and got the figure 5.78084ft.
This raises the question: if Kerri cannot accurately gauge the height of the giant of a man dining opposite her, then how much else in her blog might not be true? Does she actually have children? Is her current husband really an architect? Is she, in fact, a Syrian lesbian masquerading as suburban Australian blogger in order to write about me? Or is she an alien?
But the million-dollar* question is, of course, how tall are the Sackvilles?
*No actual million dollars will be paid for the winning answer.
I have so many questions too.
ReplyDeleteYou write a newspaper column?
You actually go to the gym?
What is your height in dog years?
Is it too late for me to send you a picture in my underwear?
Cate,
ReplyDeleteI am extremely famous. Where on earth do you live?
I go to the gym five days a week.
My Unit Converter does not offer dog years, but my height in astronomical units is 2.991764e-11, and in parsecs it's 1.450723e-16. I am also 4.47548e10 angstroms tall.
No, but I suspect you won't.
Mark,
ReplyDeleteAdelaide. Enough said.
I thought gyms were mythical places.
Angstroms is close enough, dog is satisfied.
You want black & white or colour?
Well, the only previous entry was in colour. But if you only have black and white underwear, that's fine. What colour is your catheter?
ReplyDeleteFluoro, like a glowstick. Great at rave parties. Matches my colostomy bag.
ReplyDeleteAlso, er, to anyone else who doesn't realise I have a column in The Age and the Sydney Morning Herald, there are old columns - and a few features - archived on my website www.markdapin.com.au. This is where all my blog traffic used to come from until I met Kerri Sackville.
ReplyDeleteThe Age? I thought you were referring to your column in Roundabouts Monthly.
ReplyDelete5"7.8' ?????
ReplyDeleteHA!!!!!
I KNEW you weren't 5"8'!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mark, apparently I forgot to defend Kerri.
ReplyDeleteSo..."she is not an alien".
Kerri, will you please remove your anal probe now? Thanks, was getting itchy.
I know Kerri and her family well. They are wonderful people but they are not tall.
ReplyDeleteBut then again alien races are not known for their height .....
You had me at Kerri. I don't think she is an alien and I have met her. I have not met her children or have proof that her husband is an architect. But I have seen her white couch on TV. Which makes me suspect that he indeed may be one... Architect, not couch...
ReplyDeleteYou really have a thing about being short, huh?
It's time to come clean, "Kerri", if that is indeed your name (assuming members of your race even have names). What are the heights of the Sackvilles, and are they measured in light years?
ReplyDeleteOur heights are flexible. We are a sensitive and empathic race, and so our heights adjust to the heights of those with whom we commune.
ReplyDeleteSo when we are hanging with you, Mark, we morph into a people exceedingly short.
I've met Kerri. If she is an alien, which I suspect she isn't, then she is a very attractive alien.
ReplyDeleteI've never met her, so you may be right. She may be an alien. And her husband orders girly drinks, so who knows. Do architects order girly drinks?
ReplyDeleteBut 5ft 7 actually sounds more impressive in light years.
And I still haven't seen the shirt you got at such a great bargain. Maybe that's all made up too. We're going to need a receipt now.
Who cares if Kerri is an alien? She's getting your blog hits, isn't she? ;)
ReplyDeleteKerri, ANSWER THE QUESTION, ET!
ReplyDeleteChristie, I hate to say this, but it sounds like you're an alien too.
Melissa, I must point out that 5.78 is closer to 5.8 than it is to 5.7.
A picture of the shirt will follow, with its special features labelled. Assuming Kerri can tell me how you label things on blogs.
I am not sure if I have met an alien and I haven't met Kerri, but if she is an alien, I would like to meet some aliens because that one is very attractive
ReplyDeleteGood grief. You are getting desperate for hits. I am not sure I can agree with your measuring skills. I am 175cm tall and I can see your bald spot. You know I don't wear heels, so how can this if you are purportedly taller than I am?
ReplyDeleteNo alien, just another amazing woman.
ReplyDeleteYou wrote about Kerri Sackville. Great post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! x
ReplyDeleteFINE. My height is 5"3.5' (whatever the hell that is in centimetres). My mother is 5"7' and my father is 5"8'. We are the only Sackvilles in this part of town.
ReplyDeleteNanoo Nanoo (as we aliens say),
Kerri
P.S. I'd be happy to give you lessons in labelling things on blogs. That's just what Microbloggers do.
Kylie L, yup, she's getting me the blog hits.
ReplyDeleteAlison Tait, you're standing on my shoulders.
So who's this Mark Dapin guy? Anybody....?
ReplyDeleteI have only met two of the Sackvilles....Kerri, who is shorter than me, so.....short. And Boo, who was EXCEEDINGLY short. It must be acknowledged, however, that at the time of our meeting, Boo was 2. At the time I believe she was known as "Toddler". So perhaps henceforth she should be known as "The Boo formerly known as Toddler".
ReplyDeleteMark Dapin, or whatever your name is this week, by the power invested in me, -ie., I am almost exactly your height-I hereby declare you tall. But Kerry Sackville's latest husband is of modest stature. I'm sorry, but I must defend the person whom I pay $2.20 for ,every weekend, to read. Plus one day he'll sign a copy of one of the *Several* Dapin's --I have bound volumes--on my bookshelf if I am nice enough for long enough.
ReplyDeleteDorothy, I am your father.
ReplyDeletePlauren, I thought it was Kerri on her (for some reason quite high) heels who was known as "Toddler".
Abigail, look out for this week's column...
Rest of the world, you may notice Kerri admits to 5"3.5'. I was wondering if anyone out there thought she might be shorter than that. A prize goes to the lowest estimate.
:))
ReplyDelete